Today is my nineteenth birthday; it is also Easter and the day that return to Point.
My birthday was pretty low key, other then spending fifteen minutes searching for my Easter basket/ birthday gift; my mom is a good hider. Actually my entire break was uneventful, I looked for jobs, ran errands, and mostly sat around the house keeping an eye on the Supreme Court with that whole gay marriage thing everyone is talking about. I am not much into politics, but this particular issue is important to me. Today on the car ride back to college I spent about twenty minutes trying to explain to my dad about my sexuality. I know that both my parents are rather open on the topic and would love me no matter what, but it is scary regardless. Maybe it is because I am not actually telling them, but instead, I'm telling myself.
I think I have known since I was in middle school that I was "different". Most of my crushes I had I today call them "Fake" crushes. This is because I saw that at this point in a girl's life is when you are suppose to have crushes on guys, so I formed crushes in my head almost by force. This went on all through out high school even. I had dated guys on and off for brief periods of time, often ending them sooner rather than later. Mainly I would date them because they liked me, therefor I would feel that I should like them back, also it was "cool" to have a boyfriend (not that I necessarily followed the "cool" thing). Still I lacked that feeling that most girls would have when dating. Don't get me wrong, some of the guys I really did like. Many of them were very nice and visually appealing. I just wasn't as attracted back.
Early in high school I came out to my friends as Bisexual. I have to thank Lady Gaga for getting me through that one. At the same time this triggered another close friend to also come out....as Bisexual. Over that time, my friend had a harder time with coming out due to familial mishaps. I put my own thoughts about my sexual feelings aside; not too worried about them because, well, I support it. This is a tricky concept because I just thought that because I supported it so strongly and was so comfortable with the idea of being gay that I would be just fine if I was. (I'll get back to that later) Anyways, over the high school years my friend ended the last year finding her full sexual identity; she was gay. I was so happy for her to BE happy, and she is. She has come to terms with herself and is proud of who she is.
Now it is freshman year of college and I am still floating around with the Bisexual card. I was still not ready to let go of that safety bumper of being with guys, I mean it is easy, right? In college I found that guys actually found me attractive, they said I was pretty, and more than I ever thought wanted to date me. ALL of them are great guys, I mean they are kind, fun to talk to, smart, just great people. So why couldn't I feel comfortable with them, why couldn't I date them? None of them felt right. I told myself that it was because they are my friends and I don't want to date in the group. So I found one that I thought was attractive, and seemed pretty cool; him and I started to hang out, go on dates, ect. This guy was cool, I mean he plays and creates great music, he's funny, nice, all that jazz. But I still didn't feel right, there was something still missing, that feeling you are suppose to have when you like someone, that feeling that makes you want to be with them.
The reason I know you are suppose to have that feeling is because I've had it, only the first time was with a girl in high school, and the second was recently, again it was for a girl in my dorm, who of course is straight from what I hear; I refuse to believe it. Why couldn't I have that feeling toward a guy who actually likes me, who I thought I could like back? That right there is the turning point. Now I understand why a lot of gay people call Bisexuals as transitioning. Yes, I do believe there are actual Bisexuals, I mean for all I know I still could be one. If I get feelings for a guy I won't write it off because I will always leave space for possibility, though, I would probably be to scared to do anything anyhow.
At this time I am still figuring out who I am, and what I want; which are the hardest things in life to figure out. For once I need to start being honest with myself in what I want not what someone else wants. I need to open my mind and say, "I guess I am, kinda, maybe, most likely, more than not straight, probably, gay." I'll let ya know if anything changes.
