Saturday, November 30, 2013
12/01/2013 Time is...People
People...time... people fill my time. I always wondered where my time went in a day. People would say they watch a show or do Reddit on the computer, but I never knew how they had the time for that. I am some how always busy.... its the people around who keep me so. I wake up and find my daily thrill immersing myself in the lives of people. Getting to know them; learning how they think, and what makes tick. People are what fuels me to be excited about life. Yes, there are days were I need to unwind, and recharge. Though, just like people, time is precious and must be spent wisely.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
08/31/2013 Knocked Down
Sometimes you need life to really knock you to the ground in order learn. 2013 has been a rocky year from the start and so far it is coming to a close with a bang. I managed to ruin the first good relationship that I had. Partly because of the many un-delt issues that sir around in my carefully controlled head. Now, I have to learn from the mistakes that I have made, and it's not easy. For a year of my life I will be studying in Europe in 2014. There are many reasons why I planned this trip, partially for the educational benefits of understanding the world and the other part looking for answers to understand myself. Though, I am slowing learning that no matter where I am in this world only I have the answers that I'm looking for. It takes the moments when I feel crushed into pieces and have lost every grip that I had; these are the moments when I will truly find my answers. It takes the pain of being turned inside out to open up pandoras box of true thoughts and feelings. I tend to get stuck between logic and emotion, but I learned that emotion can't be rationalized, it can only be dealt with. So, before I get up on my own two feet, I must deal with the dirt that has been dug into my knees.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
06/29/2013 "Hello, Welcome to...."
"Hello, Welcome to Big Sky..."
So I have been meaning to write about my new job for a while and am just now getting around to it. And it's a good thing I waited too. I started my new career as a waitress at Big Sky Restaurant in late May, just days after I returned home from Point. I started off slow and easy as I was learning the ropes to waitressing which was a good route to take. As I made my way into waitresses dinners the job became more stressful. I worked hard everyday to be the best employee I could be, but still managed to get yelled at multiple times, enough to make me cry--twice. The old joke went, "you haven't worked here unless you've cried at least once". I am not going to lie, there were moments where I didn't think I could handle the job, but I pushed through, spoke my mind, and grew a back bone, which is what one needs to be a waitress. No, all this may sound bad, and I don't want anyone thinking that I am not being treated right at my job, because that is not the case at all. I may have had my hard times at Big Sky, but they were all just growing pains. I have gotten the hang of the fine dinning waitressing bit and am enjoying the new job. I have found that though waitressing is a high stress job, but the pay is good and it can be fun serving so many different and wonderful people. Also, I have discovered that both my bosses are the kindest people I have met and are so much fun to talk to.
"Thank you for stoping in Cheesers..."
Why did I leave Cheesers? Well, Cheesers, as I mentioned in past blogs, was probably the best first job anyone could ask for. I learned basic customer service, food service, and retail service and even got to cook food and make up specials. At Cheesers I got to work with wonderful and wise people who made me very good at the job and eventually got me thinking outside the box. But the thing with Cheesers is that I had out-grown it. I knew the place like the back of my hand and did so much for it, but I was no longer learning nor was I getting paid much more than when I started. With that being said it was time for mean to leave the nest...and end up..well right across the street at Big Sky Restaurant, Stoughton's one and only fine dinning experience.
So I have been meaning to write about my new job for a while and am just now getting around to it. And it's a good thing I waited too. I started my new career as a waitress at Big Sky Restaurant in late May, just days after I returned home from Point. I started off slow and easy as I was learning the ropes to waitressing which was a good route to take. As I made my way into waitresses dinners the job became more stressful. I worked hard everyday to be the best employee I could be, but still managed to get yelled at multiple times, enough to make me cry--twice. The old joke went, "you haven't worked here unless you've cried at least once". I am not going to lie, there were moments where I didn't think I could handle the job, but I pushed through, spoke my mind, and grew a back bone, which is what one needs to be a waitress. No, all this may sound bad, and I don't want anyone thinking that I am not being treated right at my job, because that is not the case at all. I may have had my hard times at Big Sky, but they were all just growing pains. I have gotten the hang of the fine dinning waitressing bit and am enjoying the new job. I have found that though waitressing is a high stress job, but the pay is good and it can be fun serving so many different and wonderful people. Also, I have discovered that both my bosses are the kindest people I have met and are so much fun to talk to.
"Thank you for stoping in Cheesers..."
Why did I leave Cheesers? Well, Cheesers, as I mentioned in past blogs, was probably the best first job anyone could ask for. I learned basic customer service, food service, and retail service and even got to cook food and make up specials. At Cheesers I got to work with wonderful and wise people who made me very good at the job and eventually got me thinking outside the box. But the thing with Cheesers is that I had out-grown it. I knew the place like the back of my hand and did so much for it, but I was no longer learning nor was I getting paid much more than when I started. With that being said it was time for mean to leave the nest...and end up..well right across the street at Big Sky Restaurant, Stoughton's one and only fine dinning experience.
Monday, May 27, 2013
05/27/2013 Feelings
I looked down today at my sweatpants, they seemed to look redder than usual. At first I thought that my mom switched detergents, but then I realized that even though it was overcast I had a little extra flutter in my stomach. This must be what all those songs are singing about and all those movies are trying to depict. I have acquired something... a new feeling into my emotional vocabulary that was not part of my life until recently. I met someone and yes, she made me produce something called feelings. These aren't the feelings that are a one way street either, I believe that these feelings are shared, and this is exciting. In the past I never understood why a person devoted one's self to anther person. I could not comprehend the reasoning behind such dependent behavior. It wasn't until I got to know her, and felt things that I have never felt for a person, was I then able to understand the concept of being with another person in a whole new way. My independence is not lost, I have acquired it for too long of time for it to go away, but there is a new extension to my being that was not there before... Oh feelings..what a curious thing...
Sunday, March 31, 2013
03/31/2013 "Kinda, Probably, Nineteen I Think"
Today is my nineteenth birthday; it is also Easter and the day that return to Point.
My birthday was pretty low key, other then spending fifteen minutes searching for my Easter basket/ birthday gift; my mom is a good hider. Actually my entire break was uneventful, I looked for jobs, ran errands, and mostly sat around the house keeping an eye on the Supreme Court with that whole gay marriage thing everyone is talking about. I am not much into politics, but this particular issue is important to me. Today on the car ride back to college I spent about twenty minutes trying to explain to my dad about my sexuality. I know that both my parents are rather open on the topic and would love me no matter what, but it is scary regardless. Maybe it is because I am not actually telling them, but instead, I'm telling myself.
I think I have known since I was in middle school that I was "different". Most of my crushes I had I today call them "Fake" crushes. This is because I saw that at this point in a girl's life is when you are suppose to have crushes on guys, so I formed crushes in my head almost by force. This went on all through out high school even. I had dated guys on and off for brief periods of time, often ending them sooner rather than later. Mainly I would date them because they liked me, therefor I would feel that I should like them back, also it was "cool" to have a boyfriend (not that I necessarily followed the "cool" thing). Still I lacked that feeling that most girls would have when dating. Don't get me wrong, some of the guys I really did like. Many of them were very nice and visually appealing. I just wasn't as attracted back.
Early in high school I came out to my friends as Bisexual. I have to thank Lady Gaga for getting me through that one. At the same time this triggered another close friend to also come out....as Bisexual. Over that time, my friend had a harder time with coming out due to familial mishaps. I put my own thoughts about my sexual feelings aside; not too worried about them because, well, I support it. This is a tricky concept because I just thought that because I supported it so strongly and was so comfortable with the idea of being gay that I would be just fine if I was. (I'll get back to that later) Anyways, over the high school years my friend ended the last year finding her full sexual identity; she was gay. I was so happy for her to BE happy, and she is. She has come to terms with herself and is proud of who she is.
Now it is freshman year of college and I am still floating around with the Bisexual card. I was still not ready to let go of that safety bumper of being with guys, I mean it is easy, right? In college I found that guys actually found me attractive, they said I was pretty, and more than I ever thought wanted to date me. ALL of them are great guys, I mean they are kind, fun to talk to, smart, just great people. So why couldn't I feel comfortable with them, why couldn't I date them? None of them felt right. I told myself that it was because they are my friends and I don't want to date in the group. So I found one that I thought was attractive, and seemed pretty cool; him and I started to hang out, go on dates, ect. This guy was cool, I mean he plays and creates great music, he's funny, nice, all that jazz. But I still didn't feel right, there was something still missing, that feeling you are suppose to have when you like someone, that feeling that makes you want to be with them.
The reason I know you are suppose to have that feeling is because I've had it, only the first time was with a girl in high school, and the second was recently, again it was for a girl in my dorm, who of course is straight from what I hear; I refuse to believe it. Why couldn't I have that feeling toward a guy who actually likes me, who I thought I could like back? That right there is the turning point. Now I understand why a lot of gay people call Bisexuals as transitioning. Yes, I do believe there are actual Bisexuals, I mean for all I know I still could be one. If I get feelings for a guy I won't write it off because I will always leave space for possibility, though, I would probably be to scared to do anything anyhow.
At this time I am still figuring out who I am, and what I want; which are the hardest things in life to figure out. For once I need to start being honest with myself in what I want not what someone else wants. I need to open my mind and say, "I guess I am, kinda, maybe, most likely, more than not straight, probably, gay." I'll let ya know if anything changes.
My birthday was pretty low key, other then spending fifteen minutes searching for my Easter basket/ birthday gift; my mom is a good hider. Actually my entire break was uneventful, I looked for jobs, ran errands, and mostly sat around the house keeping an eye on the Supreme Court with that whole gay marriage thing everyone is talking about. I am not much into politics, but this particular issue is important to me. Today on the car ride back to college I spent about twenty minutes trying to explain to my dad about my sexuality. I know that both my parents are rather open on the topic and would love me no matter what, but it is scary regardless. Maybe it is because I am not actually telling them, but instead, I'm telling myself.
I think I have known since I was in middle school that I was "different". Most of my crushes I had I today call them "Fake" crushes. This is because I saw that at this point in a girl's life is when you are suppose to have crushes on guys, so I formed crushes in my head almost by force. This went on all through out high school even. I had dated guys on and off for brief periods of time, often ending them sooner rather than later. Mainly I would date them because they liked me, therefor I would feel that I should like them back, also it was "cool" to have a boyfriend (not that I necessarily followed the "cool" thing). Still I lacked that feeling that most girls would have when dating. Don't get me wrong, some of the guys I really did like. Many of them were very nice and visually appealing. I just wasn't as attracted back.
Early in high school I came out to my friends as Bisexual. I have to thank Lady Gaga for getting me through that one. At the same time this triggered another close friend to also come out....as Bisexual. Over that time, my friend had a harder time with coming out due to familial mishaps. I put my own thoughts about my sexual feelings aside; not too worried about them because, well, I support it. This is a tricky concept because I just thought that because I supported it so strongly and was so comfortable with the idea of being gay that I would be just fine if I was. (I'll get back to that later) Anyways, over the high school years my friend ended the last year finding her full sexual identity; she was gay. I was so happy for her to BE happy, and she is. She has come to terms with herself and is proud of who she is.
Now it is freshman year of college and I am still floating around with the Bisexual card. I was still not ready to let go of that safety bumper of being with guys, I mean it is easy, right? In college I found that guys actually found me attractive, they said I was pretty, and more than I ever thought wanted to date me. ALL of them are great guys, I mean they are kind, fun to talk to, smart, just great people. So why couldn't I feel comfortable with them, why couldn't I date them? None of them felt right. I told myself that it was because they are my friends and I don't want to date in the group. So I found one that I thought was attractive, and seemed pretty cool; him and I started to hang out, go on dates, ect. This guy was cool, I mean he plays and creates great music, he's funny, nice, all that jazz. But I still didn't feel right, there was something still missing, that feeling you are suppose to have when you like someone, that feeling that makes you want to be with them.
The reason I know you are suppose to have that feeling is because I've had it, only the first time was with a girl in high school, and the second was recently, again it was for a girl in my dorm, who of course is straight from what I hear; I refuse to believe it. Why couldn't I have that feeling toward a guy who actually likes me, who I thought I could like back? That right there is the turning point. Now I understand why a lot of gay people call Bisexuals as transitioning. Yes, I do believe there are actual Bisexuals, I mean for all I know I still could be one. If I get feelings for a guy I won't write it off because I will always leave space for possibility, though, I would probably be to scared to do anything anyhow.
At this time I am still figuring out who I am, and what I want; which are the hardest things in life to figure out. For once I need to start being honest with myself in what I want not what someone else wants. I need to open my mind and say, "I guess I am, kinda, maybe, most likely, more than not straight, probably, gay." I'll let ya know if anything changes.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
2/26/13..great music from down the road..
Links:
http://haunt-er.bandcamp.com
http://astronauthusband.bandcamp.com
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