The Lonely Traveler

The traveler goes, the traveler is always going. Anywhere is better than here, the here is known, the here is unchanged. The traveler arrives to the unknown. The new land inspiring, the streets simulating, the new people fascinating; the traveler is happy. Then there becomes here, and the here becomes there, the traveler goes. The traveler searches again, for questions, for answers. The traveler is a lost ship. The travelers only anchor is love.

The Realization

I remember the ambition I had when I first started college. I was learning so much new information about the world. I was excited about it all, and I wanted to be part of it. I wanted to be a mover. I wanted to be someone great, like that power women at the head of an office. Someone who made a difference in the world, someone with control... Political Science will do that do a young college student. I'll come home thinking I knew great things. All I could think about were ways to make our political system better, or starting up one of the many amazing business ideas I had. I wanted to work in Embassies or NGOs or International Relations of something... I don't know,  It all sounded great, I had so much hope. Then real life caught up to me. I realize this as I struggle over and over again to pass a language exam. I realize this as spell check underlines a few words in every sentence of this blog, or how when I read assigned texts I can understand as much of what's written in front of me as the young adult German book that took me one month to get through chapter one. I'm not going to be anything special, I realize. I don't even know what people do in actual jobs. Every internship requirement form I read seems over my head, it's like they expect a lifetime of experience before you're 20. I'm just going to be regular, I hope. I can only hope to just be regular, I realize this. I realize that I can only hope to make it to the level of regular because falling anywhere below is a sticky pit of danger, debt, and depression. Below I'll be trapped, in a town, making just enough. At least being regular I could hope to have at least 20 days of vacation, plus health insurance, how ever much that costs by the time I'm too old to be on my parents. I can only hope to be able to support a simple lifestyle, and if I'm lucky I'll be able to travel. I am bound for a life like every other American. Capitalism is built for survivors and the thriving of those worthy, those who are intelligent and most importantly, designed to be ruthless. Without ruthlessness you will be stepped on, no matter how smart you are; I am not ruthless.

1/10/2015 New Blog Polish Style

Okay, so I haven't kept up on the blog like I said I would. Let me tell you it's probably a good thing- meaning that I was way too busy to write. Over the last few months I've been through numerous experiences and changes, too many to catch up on. In the mean time I have just started my Poland semester and am currently in Krakow. For this semester I MUST keep a blog. So if you readers out there are at all interested in my encounters and thoughts for the next three months you can check out this new blog here -> http://polandabroadsemester.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!

08/03/14: Syria- The Perpective of Two Citizens.

Coming to Marburg is more than just learning German, it's meeting new people and learning about the world though their perspectives. As many (or all) of you should know there is a very large crisis in Syria- a "revolution". One of my good friends here is from Syria, and though she is learning here in Marburg, her life still lays in the middle of chaos. I just recently I spent about 3 plus hours listening to her and her friend talk about the situation there. All I could do was listen, because somethings are to valuable to respond to.

In the beginning of the conversation they talked about how good Syria was- before the protests began. They described Syria as "a land of contradictions".. saying you would look one way and see the sea, and green, another way the mountains, and another, the desert. They said you'd see walking on the street women dressed fully covered, to where you could only see the oval of her face, and then right next to her, a woman walking in a T-Shirt and Jeans. Syria was, in fact, a very diverse country.

Then the conversation took a turn when my friend found out that her cousin was just killed. Unfortunately, it didn't come to much as a surprise for them-- it is common now to lose some one you love in the fighting. They went on to talk about how their life had been turned upside down in the last three years... and that was heartbreaking. While living in Syria during the revolution, they've learned to treat each other and themselves as if each day were to be their last. It doesn't matter who you are there- you are a target. They continued to tell stories about the people they knew who were beaten, abducted, or killed. The two girls then brought up how strange it is the way humans can adapt to stressful situations. They said that all the people of Syria can really do is to continue on and try to go about their daily lives-- even though bombs are going off, guns are being fired, and they must stop at checkpoints just to cross town (and shouldn't dare to forget). Now, what thoughts haunt them, is how easily their life or the life of a loved one can come to an end. Anyone is now victim to the unfair chemical warfare, and combat crossfire. Just walking down the street, and that could be it... Their perspective on the situation in Syria is grim, and it is hard for them to see their country ever becoming "normal" again... and I don't blame them. The worst part is, is not the loss of old buildings and monuments (though that too saddens them), but mainly the loss of the culture they built and lived.

One of the most mind opening things they said is, "that (in this war) there is no "good" and "bad" team anymore, it is just bad. It doesn't matter if they are the Regime or the Rebels--Some of these people aren't even Syrian, or even fighting for the original cause.--People are killing innocent people for no reason. We just ask: Why?-- But these people who are killing now, they see heaven and mermaids at the end of a gun...how do you stop people who are happy to die..?"

01/02/2014 This is going to be a Year.

Well... I should be asleep right now, but I just don't want to. At 7:15pm tomorrow I will be, once again, boarding a plane, and again I will eventually land in the confusing Frankfurt Airport in Germany. This time, I wont be re-boarding the plane for about 12 months- 9 of them in Germany and 3 of them in Poland. This is all happening because of one of my crazy ideas I had...I come up with lots of ideas, mainly because they are fun to think about and usually don't end up materializing. This time, one of my crazy ideas escaped and became a reality. It still hasn't fully hit me, that right now, laying in my own bed tonight, is going to be the last time I will be in the comfort of my home and of my country for a solid year. This is scary, and exciting. I can only imagine what it was like for the immigrants who got on a boat for months to come to the United States. What I am doing is not even close to that, which is a little comforting. Though it is similar because I will be walking new lands, and this time more independent than ever. For this year of 2014, I can't turn back and go home, the only way to go is forward. Who knows what lays ahead.  

One year packed into two bags.

12/01/2013 Time is...People

People...time... people fill my time. I always wondered where my time went in a day. People would say they watch a show or do Reddit on the computer, but I never knew how they had the time for that. I am some how always busy.... its the people around who keep me so. I wake up and find my daily thrill immersing myself in the lives of people. Getting to know them; learning how they think, and what makes tick. People are what fuels me to be excited about life. Yes, there are days were I need to unwind, and recharge. Though, just like people, time is precious and must be spent wisely.

08/31/2013 Knocked Down

  Sometimes you need life to really knock you to the ground in order learn. 2013 has been a rocky year from the start and so far it is coming to a close with a bang. I managed to ruin the first good relationship that I had. Partly because of the many un-delt issues that sir around in my carefully controlled head. Now, I have to learn from the mistakes that I have made, and it's not easy. For a year of my life I will be studying in Europe in 2014. There are many reasons why I planned this trip, partially for the educational benefits of understanding the world and the other part looking for answers to understand myself. Though, I am slowing learning that no matter where I am in this world only I have the answers that I'm looking for. It takes the moments when I feel crushed into pieces and have lost every grip that I had; these are the moments when I will truly find my answers. It takes the pain of being turned inside out to open up pandoras box of true thoughts and feelings. I tend to get stuck between logic and emotion, but I learned that emotion can't be rationalized, it can only be dealt with. So, before I get up on my own two feet, I must deal with the dirt that has been dug into my knees.

06/29/2013 "Hello, Welcome to...."

"Hello, Welcome to Big Sky..."
So I have been meaning to write about my new job for a while and am just now getting around to it.  And it's a good thing I waited too. I started my new career as a waitress at Big Sky Restaurant in late May, just days after I returned home from Point. I started off slow and easy as I was learning the ropes to waitressing which was a good route to take. As I made my way into waitresses dinners the job became more stressful. I worked hard everyday to be the best employee I could be, but still managed to get yelled at multiple times, enough to make me cry--twice. The old joke went, "you haven't worked here unless you've cried at least once". I am not going to lie, there were moments where I didn't think I could handle the job, but I pushed through, spoke my mind, and grew a back bone, which is what one needs to be a waitress. No, all this may sound bad, and I don't want anyone thinking that I am not being treated right at my job, because that is not the case at all. I may have had my hard times at Big Sky, but they were all just growing pains. I have gotten the hang of the fine dinning waitressing bit and am enjoying the new job. I have found that though waitressing is a high stress job, but the pay is good and it can be fun serving so many different and wonderful people. Also, I have discovered that both my bosses are the kindest people I have met and are so much fun to talk to.

"Thank you for stoping in Cheesers..."
Why did I leave Cheesers? Well, Cheesers, as I mentioned in past blogs, was probably the best first job anyone could ask for. I learned basic customer service, food service, and retail service and even got to cook food and make up specials. At Cheesers I got to work with wonderful and wise people who made me very good at the job and eventually got me thinking outside the box. But the thing with Cheesers is that I had out-grown it. I knew the place like the back of my hand and did so much for it, but I was no longer learning nor was I getting paid much more than when I started. With that being said it was time for mean to leave the nest...and end up..well right across the street at Big Sky Restaurant, Stoughton's one and only fine dinning experience.

05/27/2013 Feelings

I looked down today at my sweatpants, they seemed to look redder than usual. At first I thought that my mom switched detergents, but then I realized that even though it was overcast I had a little extra flutter in my stomach. This must be what all those songs are singing about and all those movies are trying to depict. I have acquired something... a new feeling into my emotional vocabulary that was not part of my life until recently. I met someone and yes, she made me produce something called feelings. These aren't the feelings that are a one way street either, I believe that these feelings are shared, and this is exciting. In the past I never understood why a person devoted one's self to anther person. I could not comprehend the reasoning behind such dependent behavior. It wasn't until I got to know her, and felt things that I have never felt for a person, was I then able to understand the concept of being with another person in a whole new way. My independence is not lost, I have acquired it for too long of time for it to go away, but there is a new extension to my being that was not there before... Oh feelings..what a curious thing...

03/31/2013 "Kinda, Probably, Nineteen I Think"

Today is my nineteenth birthday; it is also Easter and the day that return to Point.
My birthday was pretty low key, other then spending fifteen minutes searching for my Easter basket/ birthday gift; my mom is a good hider. Actually my entire break was uneventful, I looked for jobs, ran errands, and mostly sat around the house keeping an eye on the Supreme Court with that whole gay marriage thing everyone is talking about. I am not much into politics, but this particular issue is important to me. Today on the car ride back to college I spent about twenty minutes trying to explain to my dad about my sexuality. I know that both my parents are rather open on the topic and would love me no matter what, but it is scary regardless. Maybe it is because I am not actually telling them, but instead, I'm telling myself.
I think I have known since I was in middle school that I was "different". Most of my crushes I had I today call them "Fake" crushes. This is because I saw that at this point in a girl's life is when you are suppose to have crushes on guys, so I formed crushes in my head almost by force. This went on all through out high school even. I had dated guys on and off for brief periods of time, often ending them sooner rather than later. Mainly I would date them because they liked me, therefor I would feel that I should like them back, also it was "cool" to have a boyfriend (not that I necessarily followed the "cool" thing). Still I lacked that feeling that most girls would have when dating. Don't get me wrong, some of the guys I really did like. Many of them were very nice and visually appealing. I just wasn't as attracted back.
Early in high school I came out to my friends as Bisexual. I have to thank Lady Gaga for getting me through that one. At the same time this triggered another close friend to also come out....as Bisexual. Over that time, my friend had a harder time with coming out due to familial mishaps. I put my own thoughts about my sexual feelings aside; not too worried about them because, well, I support it. This is a tricky concept because I just thought that because I supported it so strongly and was so comfortable with the idea of being gay that I would be just fine if I was. (I'll get back to that later) Anyways, over the high school years my friend ended the last year finding her full sexual identity; she was gay. I was so happy for her to BE happy, and she is. She has come to terms with herself and is proud of who she is.
Now it is freshman year of college and I am still floating around with the Bisexual card. I was still not ready to let go of that safety bumper of being with guys, I mean it is easy, right? In college I found that guys actually found me attractive, they said I was pretty, and more than I ever thought wanted to date me. ALL of them are great guys, I mean they are kind, fun to talk to, smart, just great people. So why couldn't I feel comfortable with them, why couldn't I date them? None of them felt right. I told myself that it was because they are my friends and I don't want to date in the group. So I found one that I thought was attractive, and seemed pretty cool; him and I started to hang out, go on dates, ect. This guy was cool, I mean he plays and creates great music, he's funny, nice, all that jazz. But I still didn't feel right, there was something still missing, that feeling you are suppose to have when you like someone, that feeling that makes you want to be with them.
The reason I know you are suppose to have that feeling is because I've had it, only the first time was with a girl in high school, and the second was recently, again it was for a girl in my dorm, who of course is straight from what I hear; I refuse to believe it. Why couldn't I have that feeling toward a guy who actually likes me, who I thought I could like back? That right there is the turning point. Now I understand why a lot of gay people call Bisexuals as transitioning. Yes, I do believe there are actual Bisexuals, I mean for all I know I still could be one. If I get feelings for a guy I won't write it off because I will always leave space for possibility, though, I would probably be to scared to do anything anyhow.
At this time I am still figuring out who I am, and what I want; which are the hardest things in life to figure out. For once I need to start being honest with myself in what I want not what someone else wants. I need to open my mind and say, "I guess I am, kinda, maybe, most likely, more than not straight, probably, gay." I'll let ya know if anything changes.

2/26/13..great music from down the road..

This Video I made for a new up and coming artist Astronaut Husband who is also in an amazing band called Haunter. Please support these local musicians because people like them are what keep music moving.
Links:
http://haunt-er.bandcamp.com
http://astronauthusband.bandcamp.com

12/29/2012 Schönes Stadt

       I don't want to be one of those people who go on obnoxiously about their travels around the world. All I have to say is that my trip to Germany was one of those experiences that you don't forget. I wish I could write in detail about the people I met. That's what it comes down to, the people. No matter where I am in the world, it is the affect people who surround me have and how they determines the experience I have. Traveling is more than some luxury vacation, to me it is a way to learn. I don't want to be at a beach, sipping sweet alcoholic drinks from fancy glasses decorated with fruits and miniature umbrellas, instead I would rather split a pitcher of beer at a pic-nic bench talking with new and exciting people.
I want to explore a country, not only see other the cultures but learn about them. The best thing about my last trip to Germany was the people who came from all over the world. They all grew up differently and came together in this one city to improve or learn German. Tübingen, Germany, is where I stayed for that month of August, the best feeling was near the end when that city half way around the world from my hometown started to feel familiar to me.  That familiar feeling you get when you are around something for a long enough time that it stops feeling odd and starts to feel like another home. Part of me likes this feeling because no matter where I am I know that feeling will settle in and that place will become home. In the other hand that feeling is unsettling, for familiarity gets boring, and that feeling that makes me want to leave and explore some place new. I finished my first semester of college, the university is now familiar to me, and I am starting to get restless.

Tiny Travelers

A little something I decided to do over my winter break. This is my first true stop motion film. Took about 537+ frames.

07/29/12 Sink or Swim

    So it has been a while sense I have graced my blog with profound thoughts. The reason for this has probably been a mix of my fast paced schedule of worldly travels and my unbroken internal happiness. How can I complain.  In less then 24 hours I will be on a plane to Deutschland. This time not so much for site seeing. Instead I will be taking an "intensive" German language class. The class will be taught in German. When signing up for this kind of crazy, I was convinced everything will be okay. I was convinced that I would do just fine knowing a minimal amount of German and that the class will teach me the rest. Now, 24 hours before I leave, I am realizing that maybe I am not prepared for such an event. My success will only be known upon my return. These last few days here at home I have been in a silent panic as I am "Google Translating" half the stuff written by fellow classmates. There are two ways to teach someone how to swim, one is to coach them from the shallow end of the pool, the other is to simply push them off into the deep end. It's either sink or swim.

06/24/12 The Petrified Rabbit

A drunken man paces the night, drinking his glass of excuses. The drunken man sorrows in his self-pity, but never changes his habits. The murmurs of late night TV never give him answers, nor resolve his problems, instead it babbles on about unimportant things that are not amusing. The drunken man mimics the TV and seeks life with his hands on the keyboard and his sleepless eyes glazed over, waiting for the monitor to respond.
An old man walks everyday in his Sunday best. He does not smile; maybe he nods. He sports a long black coat, a pair of clean slacks, a white blouse and a tie. One knows not of where he goes, and whom he sees. Does he do it for himself? Dignity maybe, for he must look his best when time has caught up to him.
The girl who does not eat. For she can not believe what the numbers mean, and she can not trust what her friends say. She denies the pleasure of food, eats each bite as if it were poison. The mirror shows her, size 18. Her stomach twists.

The petrified rabbit moves not a hair for the creature may see that it's there.

06/01/12 Gradroverted

      In two days I will be walking across the stage in a highly fashionable Viking Purple gown and a "mortarboard" of a hat. Now set free from high school, I am to make something of myself. The hardest part is not knowing were to begin. I mean, I had it all planned out to go to college, meet lots of friends, and party! That's what I want. Although there is something holding me back, over the past year I realized something about myself, it's something that is upsetting, and ruins my plans. I am shy, or an introvert, or both. I can't pin-point which yet, because both descriptions match me. One may wonder how it took 18 years to just be figuring this out, but the truth is I have been in denial. I just always thought that if I were someplace else I will be different, thinking the people that made me the way I am and not me. This upsets me most because I am well aware of being introverted or shy, and I don't want to be this way. I wish so much that I can be extroverted and out going, because at heart that is what I strive to be. I want to mingle, and yell, and do what ever extroverted people do. Going to college is scary, it's all about having the time of your life. I am trapped in my own head, caged by my thoughts. Hopefully I can find a way to set free before I watch my life go by.

05/03/12 You.

You. You are on my mind, you. You look at me and you stay there. Stuck in the back of my brain, you. You, your smile, your hair, your existence. Go away you. What makes you so special, you so different from the rest? I don't even like you that much. Your not even that funny. You aren't even nice to me. Your face, I've seen better. You! You! You! I hate you! You ruin my life, you. You mess with my head to get what you want. You don't even look me in the eye. You play me. How do you pull me. I try to push you. You, why you.

04/16/12 Expectations

This is a short post. A post in which I am also testing out a mobile app for Blogger. Let's see how it goes.
Expectations, I am again overwhelmed, but it doesn't take much to overwhelm me. This time I am overwhelmed by the amount of Expectations that are "expected" for us teenagers/young adults on a given day. Starting with school.
School Expectations:
Read 20pages of an extremely boring book a day.
Do 30plus math problems a day.
25point summitive and 35point formative due in a week.
Study for all tests.
Remember everything the teacher says because it is important even if it is only mentioned once and talked about briefly.
Learn brand new concert music, be ready to perform it in two weeks, or expected to practice outside of class.

Friend Expectations:
Listen to their problems.
Think of wisdom for their problems.
Don't expect them to do the same.
Make sure they stay in one piece.
Be fun.
Don't poop the party; join.
Be exciting and funny at all times.

Peer Expectations:
Be nice.
Hide your inner freak for your true friends.
Look nice.
Don't say anything unless it's amazing.

Work Expectations:
Must be doing something always.
Think outside the box, even if you are being payed minimum wage.
Don't be tired.
Body Expectations:
Eat what you crave.
Eat healthy.
Sleep.
Drink coffee.
Watch your weight.
Drugs are only meant for sometimes.

In one day all of those expectations come into play at least once. Why is there so much expected of us, and how can we do it all?

2/26/12 Claymation

    What is this? What is this life that has been put before us. This wad of clay slapped on the table; "make something of this!" Make it wonderful they say. Make this life adventurous, full of love, emotion, and worth. Out must come wisdom. We must plan it quickly before it becomes bone dry, to late to be shaped anymore. What is this wad of clay, really? Do we shape it or does it shape us. When spun on the wheel, we press our fingers deep into the cool, mud like glop, forcing it shape for us. We push and pull with the clay and hope for it to work it's self out, to be made into something beautiful.

12/4/11 Error

The existence of a being happens to be the existence of an energy. The human machine acts only as programed. With the warm core of inner strength working with the malfunctioning nuts and bolts holding together unforgiving pieces of equipment. The breakage of the condition makes being, as useful as the outdated VHS counsel resting in the forgotten box hidden in that closet. After rebooting, it takes an expensive amount of time to restore. Information may be lost in the process.